highlight reels

At the start of every year, you see people spending time reflecting on the last twelve months and resolving to change in the next twelve. While I’m usually a fan of writing resolutions and looking ahead, this year I camped out in the reflecting portion of that picture for quite a while. I had a lot of feelings about 2018 and was a little afraid of committing to resolutions.

I’ve been in a place were looking back at my life I feel like I’m watching the highlight reels. Like a retired athlete reminiscing on the good old days. Days when I was all-in and so full of joy despite every life circumstance. It feels lifetimes away. What changed? What flipped the switch? Where’s the disconnect?

The truth is scary. It’s embarrassing and it’s sad.

I did it. I changed. I, inch by inch, shifted the spotlight to something else and didn’t notice when the connection got staticky.

If you didn’t know or feel this already — people are really good at messing things up. And I am one of those good-at-messing-things-up-people. Anyone else?  Sometimes I feel like that girl on the Big Comfy Couch (if you didn’t grow up watching it — I’m sorry), who suddenly (yet EVERY SINGLE EPISODE) looks around and goes, “WHO MADE THIS BIG MESS??”

Guys – not gonna lie, I just looked it back up and you need to stop reading and watch this for a minute. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJa7P6dfmco For real though, don’t keep reading till you watch it.

Have you been there too? All of the sudden we realize things are out of place and our first reaction is to deny it, but then we think we can fix it with a “ten second tidy.” Unfortunately, like that clown, usually our “ten second tidy” is sweeping things under the rug or stuffing them in the couch. It might look better, but the mess is still there.

Recently I got on a bit of an organizing/decluttering kick. One mantra that I am loving is “a place for everything and everything in it’s place.” While not all of my things have a place yet, the process is helping me re-learn some important life lessons. It’s okay to start small. Little things add up to big changes. You need to keep putting things back in their place again and again (and again) or you’ll be back where you started.

Right now is a season of little changes. Of starting small and trying to be faithful in readjusting. Of getting back to old habits, commitments, and callings. Of saying to God, hey, I know you’re here and I need you to help me be here too.

My life’s highlight reel is far from over. So, while I can learn a lot from looking back at the old tapes — it’s time to make some new ones.

Here we go.

waiting patiently upon the LORD.

Sorting it out…

Although I’ve had a lot of things I could write about, I haven’t posted in a while because my brain needed to do a little sorting through of all those things swirling around in it. I needed a little time for reflection. For thinking. For figuring out how to string my thoughts together in a coherent way. Given that a jam-packed graduation week and then jumping right into a weeklong observation hasn’t allowed for tons of time to myself, I’ve sorted and boxed up some of my thoughts and have realised what my most prevalent feeling has been (and should be). Thankfulness. Thankfulness for the three full and wonderful years I’ve had with my senior (now graduated) friends, for the 52 girls I had the pleasure of knowing this year on my hall, for those friends that supported me during my rough moments this year, for my incredible RA staff, for the chance to go back to a place I love this summer, for my oncoming senior year that is going to stretch me and grow me.

This year has been one of incredible growth for me. I know myself better and feel my need for the savior more than ever before. This year has been seasoned with adventure, laughter, tears, joy, brokenness, conviction, encouragement, and beauty. It’s been covered in love.

As it came to an end, I tried to hold my emotions in. But I’ll admit, I ran away to my room and sobbed like a baby after graduation. I will miss those girls so much. But I was so proud to see each of them walk across that stage and accept their diplomas (even if they were just the fake ones). They’ve accomplished something. They finished well. :)

As I was thinking all of these thoughts about goodbyes and moving on, God reminded me of something else. I have a fantastic group of friends that I’ll get to live with and spend all of next year with. I am SO excited for that! Isn’t it great how God always provides for us? Yes, my senior family won’t be there anymore, but that gives me all the more time to reconnect, to go deeper and to love the people that will be there.

Looking ahead, I’m excited – a little nervous, yes, but excited. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for all of us.

my seniors :)

the best RA staff a girl could ask for

the beautiful girls I get to live with next year <3