Sometimes when I wake up, I don’t wanna rise up, Out of my bed, to many thoughts in my head, Don’t wanna be who I used to be, Gonna take the back seat and let you lead, And I… Need to stop, need to stop, Cause I’m going to fast, And I… Know my God is still God, And you got my back:
You lead, I’ll follow, Your hands hold my tomorrow, Your grip, Your grace, You know the way, You guide me tenderly, yeah, When you lead, I’ll follow, Just light the way and I’ll go, Cause I know what you got for me is more then I can see, So lead me on… Lead me on…

This song is stuck in my head like the plague right now… Even as I sit here typin the lines “You lead, I’ll follow, Your hands hold my tomorrow, Your grip, Your grace, You know the way, You guide me tenderly” are just on repeat – so here I am at my desk trying to write something coherent and I can’t stop singing those lines.

Those lines hold a lot of truth. Specifically they hold a lot of truth that is being pounded into my heart again and again this semester. God holds me in his hands – my today, my tomorrow, everything. So why do I worry? He isn’t just hold me, he has a grip on me – he won’t let me go. He is faithful. Why do I try to run away from him? Who am I to be loved by him? It’s only through his grace. And he’s poured out that incredible grace on ME. He knows the way. Sometimes I think I know the way… and end up finding myself in a mess, at a dead end, lost, unsure of what I’m doing. Why do I do that? Why do I keep doing that? BUT, tenderly time and time again  He will guide me back. How good is that?

Lead on, God. Lead on.

I want to go wherever you’ll take me.

http://capturedandheldbygrace.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/778/

My inconsistency continues to amaze even me. How do I continually find myself back at the place of anxiety, manipulation, bitterness, and short-temperedness? The depth of my ugliness washes over me as I’m overwhelmed with so many life circumstances. And then that thing happens… you read something, or someone calls you out on it, or a memory comes rushing back and all you can do is ask yourself, “What am I doing? Seriously, what am I doing? ….

Colossians 4:2

It is interersting to remark how large a portion of Sacred Writ is occupied with the subject of prayer, either in furnishing examples, enforcing precepts, or pronouncing promises. We scarely open the Bible before we read, “Then began men to call upon the name of the Lord”; and just as we are about to close the volume, the “Amen” of an earnest supplication meets our ear. Instances are plentiful. Here we find a wrestling Jacob – there a Daniel who prayed three times a day – and a David who with all his heart called upon his God. On the mountain we see Elias; in the dungeon Paul and Silas. We have multitudes of commands, and myriads of promises. What does this teach us, but the sacred importance and necessity of prayer? We may be certain that whatever God has made prominent in His Word, He intended to be conspicuous in our lives. If He has said much about prayer, it is because He knows we have much need of it. So deep are our necessities, that until we are in heaven we must not cease to pray. Dost thou want nothing? Then, I fear thou does not know thy poverty. Hast thou no mercy to ask of God? Then, may the Lord’s mercy show thee thy misery! A prayerless soul is a Christless soul. Prayer is the lisping of the believing infant, the shout of the fighting believer, the requiem of the dying saint falling asleep in Jesus. It is the breath, the watchword, the comfort, the strength, the honour of a Christian. If thou be a child of God, thou wilt seek thy Father’s face, and live in they Father’s love. Pray that this year thou mayest be holy, humble, zealous, and patient; have closer communion with Christ, and enter oftener into the banqueting-house of His love. Pray that thou mayest be an example and a blessing unto others, and that thou mayest live more to the glory of thy Master. The motto for this year must be, “Continue in prayer”.

taken from “Morning & Evening: Daily Readings” for January 2nd

-God has a plan, and His is the best. I might not understand it, but He is sovereign. He holds me in His hands.

-Success isn’t good grades and a full life free of care or worry, it’s living with what God has given you in a way that pleases him and gives him glory.

-True rest is found only in Christ. Seek Him. Sit quietly before Him. As easy as it is to turn to friends, family, sleep, personal time, etc. for rest, you’ll remain unsatisfied. Matthew 11:28 – Come to ME, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

-I am not defined by my roles or my titles, by my fears or failures, trials, family, shortcomings, accomplishments, etc. My identity is in Christ.

-You need to be honest with God. Pour your heart out to him – be real. Don’t just scratch the surface. (Psalm 142:2-3) You can’t just cast half your burden on him or only the general idea of your anxiety… Cast the whole thing – even if its ugly.

-When you feel lonely, God is still there. Don’t sulk in self-pity. Seek Him. Spend time with Him. He gives us periods of loneliness so that we can learn to cling to Him. He ought to be our best friend – the only one we need. He will bless us with fellowship in His time.

- You can’t pour out unless you have something to pour. You can’t give of yourself unless you have something to give. Empty yourself to be filled with Christ. Ask Him to fill your cup. You will run dry on your own.

-Oftentimes you need to be broken down before you can be built up. Embrace your brokenness for it is in our weakness that God is most glorified.

-God will root out the desires of your heart that aren’t of Him. He is refining you to be more like Himself.

-When life is crazy and you feel overwhelmed, it is a beautiful thing to be able to sing “It is well with my soul”, and with tears streaming down your face, to finally get it and believe it.

- “BUT GOD” are two words to cling to. Despite your situation, your trials, your temptations, GOD. IS. FAITHFUL. IS TRUE. Is our help, fortress, deliverer, comforter, friend.

-Though I will continue to be unfaithful, God is always faithful.

-There will be times when you realise that you cannot do this on your own – God will be your strength. (Nahum 1:7)

-The Lord is gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love. (Psalm 145)

-At times God will grow and strengthen you by sending you into a wilderness, but at times he will also send you into a faithful community where you can feel his presence surrounding you, = and you get to fellowship and worship Him with great joy. The way that God blesses and encourages us through others is powerful.

-Accountability and honesty are much needed.

-We are called to be love to others. And to serve as Christ did.

-Wonder. Sit in awe. Try to comprehend His glorious creation. Marvel. Enjoy. Praise.

And only one resolution…

“If my heart has one ambition, if my soul one goal to seek,

This my solitary vision till I only dwell in Thee,

That I only dwell in Thee, till I only dwell in Thee.”

-Hymn Brooke Fraser

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRW8WV5cFaU

BUT the Lord’s faithfulness continues to be evident time and time again in my life. This past semester has been a joy but also a great struggle. Looking back I am thankful for all that the Lord has taught me – for the wilderness that he has brought me through – and for the blessings he has given me along the way – whether that was a shoulder to cry on, a certain passage of scripture, a song…

He is so good.

And as I go into this new year I am excited to see what he has in store. His plans are wonderful :)

Colossians 1:9-14

And so from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that we may be filled with all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.

May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of his beloved son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sin.

As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight.

The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips.

The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed  I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption.

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is FULLNESS OF JOY; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 16 (ESV)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8164bREyzk&feature=related

This week I’ve been tired. I’ve been exhausted. To be honest, I cried a lot yesterday.

I knew that I needed rest. But I wasn’t getting it from running away to friends or from trying to have ”alone time”. I needed to go back to the one true source of rest – Christ. As I was debating whether or not to go to chapel worship yesterday morning after breakfast, I was thinking of my endless to-do list and how it might be nice to just go back to my room and get started. But something made me decide it would be worth it to go. So I went. I was early. By a good ten minutes. So I sat there and pulled out one of the pew bibles. I opened it up to Isaiah 40 and started reading. I’ve read those verses ten million times, but I wanted them to hit me with some new outrageous truth. As I finished the chapter, (waiting for that new revelation) the worship team started playing their first song. Be Thou My Vision. There was my new outrageous truth. I can’t expect God to pour out his strength and to give me rest unless I am seeking him and unless he is my vision, my purpose, my joy. “Be thou my vision, O LORD of my heart, not be all else to me save that thou art! Thou my best thought by day or by night, waking or sleeping thy presence my light.” Needless to say, God always seems to give me exactly what I need.

And so, I am learning to live out the truth that God is my source of rest, he is my vision, and he is my strength. I am weak, but he is strong. And he works through my weaknesses. How awesome is that? God is not limited by my tiredness.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

All who are thirsty, All who are weak, Come to the fountain, Dip your heart in the stream of life. Let the pain and the sorrow be washed away in the waves of his mercy, As deep cries out to deep (we sing)…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJH9BLrN83U

As I listen to the words of that song by Tim Hughes, that has become my prayer. I know I’ve talked about this song before on here – but it is soo good to think about it again. The verse that this song comes from is in Hebrews 12 verses 28 and 29. It says this,

Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.

We ought to be blown away by how great our God is and truly have a passion for him. I pray that I will fall more and more in love with him throughout this next year. And that he will light a new  fire in my heart.

“Fill us anew we pray! Consuming fire, fan into flame a passion for your name!”

One thing that I’ve been continually convicted of is what it means to really love others. And to love, not just those that are easy to love, but the ones that are a challenge. 1 Corinthians 13 has played a countless number of times in my head, over and over again. Love is patient, Love is kind… I am called to be love to other people. And that is not an easy thing. Try reading through that passage and replacing each and every “love” with your own name. Kathryn is patient. Kathryn is kind. Kathryn does not envy or boast. I can’t even get through three parts without feeling completely inadequate. BUT there is still encouragement there. I know that I am far from perfect. However, I also know that one day I will be made perfect and blameless by Christ. While, I will struggle and many times fail here on earth, this is not the end. There is more to life. Each day Christ is working in me to make me more like him; to make me more patient, more kind, more faithful, more loving. Sometimes that work seems really slow, but that doesn’t mean that its not happening. So, whenever I’m feeling frustrated or short-tempered, those verses play again and again in my head and remind me that I am called to something greater. I need to strive to be that 1 Corinthians 13 vision of love, no matter how unattainable it seems.

Love. And loving well. That is the theme of my summer so far.

I have so much more to write, but no more time. Hopefully I can get more posts out next week. :)